Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Morbidly Pleasant

I'm sitting in my room, facing my computer.
To my right is a window.
I open it and let in all the southern light that I can.
Zoe seems to find joy in early morning sunlight, and I do, too.

     It's a recent discovery for me - before I wanted the shades drawn, isolating myself inside my man-made cocoon of artificial lighting, creating my own solstices, deciding when daylight ends or begins.
All the rest of my life is based on artificial supplements: my oxygen, my digestive enzymes, my bacteria fighting abilities, even the ability to effectively cough has been assigned to a machine.  Why not shut out the sun?  It will probably give me skin cancer one day anyway.  But why, then, does it make me so happy?  When the day is new and I'm resting in between the cool sheets, my body still hot from sleep, I feel energized, motivated; I feel "normal".  And then I roll over, that familiar urge to cough strikes without warning and I shoot up into "cougher stance".  I reach for the kleenex to spit and drop it into my bedside trash can.  I have everything I need within reach.  I hate that my life has come to this point, being so medically handicapped, that I have to alter my living environment to accommodate the necessities.  The nice thing is, once I'm thoroughly exhausted after doing my morning treatments, I can sometimes crawl back into bed and pick up where I left off sleeping or reading, with a napping buddy at my hip.

It's just morbidly pleasant.   


Josh said...

It makes you happy because you can see the future in the sunshine. I know that is sappy and you are probably rolling your eyes, it's the truth. Being patient and making peaceful "temporary arrangements" like you have keeps you content while you play the waiting game (which must suck....A LOT....sometimes.

Peaceful Things, Teeny.

Nancy said...

Hi Justine, it is nice to meet you. As far as I am concerned, you look pretty stinkin' cute yourself. (Thank you for the sweet comment on my blog!)

Oh sweetie, I know right where you are and I know how much it stinks! You just have to keep believing that you will get your chance to live again and it will be amazing!

You will be in my prayers. Where are you on the list at this point? Are there people ahead of you? You have been waiting a long time and I know you must be extremely frustrated.

Glad you have a sweet buddy to keep you company.

With love and friendship! Nancy

Somer Love said...

I love myself some natural vitamin D :)